Thats me ... :)

This is just like me ..
(Copied song ... off course .. :D)

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

I am a dreamer...

I sit by my window and look at the wide blue sky... I dream of flying
I dream of spreading my wings and rise above this world.
I dream of being on the top of the world.
I dream of changing all the tears to smiles ...
I dream of changing all the hatred to love ...
I dream of removing all the worries from the world...
... I dream of being with you

They say I am crazy... I don't care for people around me. I don't follow the "Rules" ...
I run behind things which I am not supposed to... I do things which will give me nothing but pain.

I am difficult ...

I fall down.. I get hurt... I cry...I get frustrated... I get cheated

... and I fight back

I haven't stopped living. Nothing has been able to fade my smile... Nothing has been able to take away my trust from life.

I love the way I am...

I am a fighter
I am a believer
I am dreamer
.... I dream of a perfect world.

Lifes like that ...

There are many moments in life which come to you unexpectedly...
You are not ready to handle them or you are just to stupid to undesrtand their importance and let them pass... And when they are gone you are left with nothing but brooding about them... wondering if you could have prevented what happened. I don't know if its right or not. Somewhere I read ...

"The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have."

Life rarely gives a second chance. You have to accept what has happened and move on.
Lifes like that ....

Current mood: Not so happy

The Happy Gene

I have always got complements for my smiling... or laughing face. They say I have the "Happy Gene"...
Ohh really ?

I guess so ... :>
I thouhgt why not make a list of things which make that keep "happy Gene" in me always going ... somebody might be graced with the knowledge you see ... :-D.

Basic funda of being happy ....

Don't worry be happy !!!

You don't need to go around telling everybody how much sad you are... nobody cares.
"Dard bhoolane se kum hota hai aur Khushi batane se badhati hai".
When you decide to enjoy each and every moment that comes you way ... everything just falls at right places ... :-). If you start expecting from life and you don't get... it starts all the problems. It doesn't mean that you should go with the flow... but always keep your head up and Enjoy madi !!!

Whatever happens happens for good ...
Positive attitude is very much important. Very much depends on how you see your glass of life "half full or half empty"

Believe in yourself ...Let the world go to Hell !!!

Make loot of good friends....
The world is full of nice people ... you have to go out and find them out. They will make you forget all your problems.

Last but not the least

Laugh out loud ...
Laugh with all your heart out... It scares away all the saddening elements around you

Hussshhhhh
....Sooo much philospphy isn't it?
I think I can become a preecher one day :)) :)) :))
What do ya say ?

"Log kahate hai hume adat hai hasane ki
Log kahate hai hume adaat hai hasane ki
Wo kya jaane ...
yehi to adaa hai gum chupaane ki"

(Wah ... Wah !!!)

Break the rules ...

I recently finished reading "The Zahir" by Paulo Coelho (author of the Alchemist). Amazing book I must say. I loved the part where he talks about Love .... his concepts of love and life.
I liked this concept very much. I am just putting it down in my own words.

Why are railway tracks apart x meters .... ??

Simple question isn't it ? But it has long history that leads back to roman times. The distance between railway tracks is equal to the distance between wheels of horse carriage. That distance is due to size roman roads which was defined by length when two horses put together. Nobody questioned this length and blindly followed it till date.

Ok.. so what ?

Isn't our life like that ? We always try to follow some or the other rules all our life without knowing their actual meaning. We are given some script given by our parent, teachers, friends and society ... we follow it religiously. You should go to school when you are young , go to university after that, get married when you are of this age, do this and do that ... all sorts of stuff. but we never think what we actually want to do. Always try to run in a straight line. May be on parallel tracks with what we actually want. And most of us never realize this all their life. We put measures for each and everything... "One is successful only if he/she earns blah amount of money, earns these many degrees" and all sorts of things. Why do we need to measure our success against things that don't matter to us at all?

Life is not just about sacrificing for our loved ones. Who would like their beloved people to get pains for them?
Will you?
NO
Then why do you think you can make others happy by giving pains to yourself.

.... Very true isn't it ?

Forgetting your past.

Best way to forget your past is to keep it repeating again and again to others. Unless your story becomes story of other people and you gain enough courage to let go of it. I found it really interesting. How many of us have that courage? The courage to tell others about your dark side and not to run away from yourself... I think very few of us really have the courage. Most of us just try to hide it and get haunted by those memories for all their life.

No confusion ...

It seems everybody is having understanding that I have written all the poems posted here ...

Huuuuh ... I wish I could .... :D

All of these poems are copied from somewhere or other .... Please don't confuse me for a poet ... :)

"Seeing" a guy

There are somethings in life which you cannot avoid ...

Being a Indian girl and so-called "eligible" to get married, and not having found a life partner on your own, yau have to pass a ceremoney called "seeing" a guy (word-to-word translation of "ladka dekhana"... :-D). There you are supposed to dress-up, speak good things about you, answer all the questions. I heard even they ask you to walk in front of them (just make sure you don't have any defect in your feet)... Great !!!

How can you judge someone in just one look ??

I have funny anology for that ...

Its like a product being shown to a potential customer.
As a manufacturer you take all the care to make you product "presentable". Most customer go for the look of the product...reliability matters least.

When you go shopping you check out the look and feel of the product, color etc, you cannot predict about its reliability and functionality. Try to get reviews from different sources, evaluate with other compititive products, see the manufacturing companies history. And then decide on the product. After that the reliability and usability depends on all your luck and also how you handle it.

Only difference is we cannot replace(or just throw) the product easily... and all we left with is to cribb all our life .. :-)

... Hahh...

Our Indian arranged marriage process goes more or less like that. First you see "kundali" of the guy or gal, see the photograph, enquire about their family, evaluate with other prospects and then decide. Its all stupid. We all do agree with that and still go for it for whatever reasons ...

We go for trip...

It was somewhere around 8:30 pm on Saturday evening. It had just rained. Me and Smita were having dinner at a Marathi food joint after watching nice play of THE Atul Kulkarni. We were chatting and enjoying our sabudana khichadi (...mmMmm...) when my friend Gaurav calls me up...

G: Hey Ashley, I am going to Mysore tonite with V and Bhabhi and my roommates.
Me: Great. Happy journey and enjoy madi !!!

We go back to our Khichadi....He calls up again after 10 mins.

G: Where are you? Where is S?
Me: I am having dinner in Jayanagar. S is also with me.
G: I ll be leaving with me at around 10. You come to my place for 10 mins before that. I won’t be able to meet you people tomorrow.
Me: Ok. I ll need at least another half an hr to reach there.

We indulge in khichadi again. Forgot the call .. :D
My cell rings again after 5 mins

G: Where are you?
Me: We have started from here. We are in auto... just crossed silkboard. Will be there in another 20 mins
G: I have arranged for the Sumo. You both are also coming with us. Come directly to my house. We will start from here.
Me: What ???
G: Come to my house. We are going to Mysore.
Me: Are you crazy? We don't have anything with us. How can we come on such short notice??

He hangs up. Khichadi eating is still on.. :-)
Phone rings again.

G: Where are you?
Me: I am coming.
G: Come quickly. The Sumo has come I know you haven't yet started. See you both are coming with us. I am not going without you. I don't want here anything more. Start right now and come to my place.
Me: (discuss with S .. and we decide to go) okey.. but we need to go home first and take few things
G: Why do you need anything to carry with you?
Me: Shut up. You are talking to gals here.
G: Bhaav mat kha yaar.
Me: Bore mat kar. Then we are not coming.
G: Ok...Then go to your place. We will pick you up from your place in another 1 hr.

By then it was almost 9:30 pm. We took auto and went home... another 40 min journey. G called me at least 10 times by then... :-)
This guy is completely crazy. Donno when he will learn to be patient.

So we packed our things arram se.. he hasn’t reached my place yet… after more than a hr… his place is just 1 km away from my place. He kept on calling and telling us to get ready. Finally they came at around 11pm. Gaurav, Vinay, Vinay’s bhabhi, cousin Bittu, friend Ankur and Bhanu and we two… what a group…!

Once inside the Sumo…

Me: Ok. To kya plan hai? We will be reaching Mysore very early morning.
G: I don’t know. We have just started. We will decide on the way
Me: WHAT ??
G: Hume kahi to janaa tha.. so we thought why not Mysore. That’s it.

It turned out that, initially they were planning to go for a movie. So they hired a taxi (Taxi??? to go for a movie…?? in Bangalore?? Only Gaurav can think of such crazy things). Then on midway they thought they should go for a long drive instead of going for movie…. Then they thought…why not Mysore instead. The moment they decide this guy calls me up and says come with us.

Waah… !!! Who will believe that these people are supposed to be the “Professionals”… :-)

Sometimes I really wonder...Am I really out of college... :-)

I loove this life ...:-) :-) !!!

I want to ...

There are looots n loots of things I have always wanted to do... But haven't been able to do either due to something or other ... and most important my laziness... :-D

Learn to play guitar and piano. I have been fascination for both of them since childhood. I managed to buy a guitar this time ... but not much progress afterwards... :-(

Learn French. I love reading and I have heard lots n lots about French literature. I want to learn French to read all those books. Somehow I feel translated books don't have that essence which original books give you. I also want to learn Bengali... to read all Sarathchandra and Rabindranath Tagore and many more great creations.

Fly an airplane. There was time when I wanted to become a pilot ... an airforce pilot. When I was a child I had this fascination to up to skies. I have fascination for the army life. Sometimes I wish I could marry an army professional.

Become a model. I know that sounds funny but yeah... I wanted to be one. I had this major complex about being fat, not looking good.. etc etc. So used to dream of being the most beautiful girl.. slim and trim...perfect 10... And my idea of beautiful gal was ... only the one who walks on ramp.. wearing most beautiful cloths.

Become a dress designer...or architect. Those beautiful dresses and buildings beckon me always. I was good at drawing and all those artistic things. I wish I were bad in studies and could go to one of these courses.

Write great books on computer science... like the "The art of computer programming". I dreamed of becoming a academician. Do my Masters and further studies in Berkeley or Stanford and then come back to IIT...Be a good proff. Write most amazing books in computer science. I always used to write my name in the authors' list on every book .. :-D

Become animation artist. I am in sooo in love with animation. And I want to make one of my own. I won't mind taking it up as my full time job.

Become a commercial artist. Well I know I am not that great in drawings(couldn't get through the basic drawing exams :D) but I love to draw. When I was in school, I used imagine that they will have drawing as full time subject and other subjects as optional (In real life they have drawing as optional subject. Only one class per week :-( )...;-)

Travel all over India and world. I particularly wish to follow PuLas trail as he has written in "Poorvaranga". I have lived those moments through his words and want to experience them all by myself. I don't want to visit them for the sake of visiting.

Become housewife. Become the most loving and caring wife on the world, in a perfect family with loving husband and sweet children in a big house like they show in Yash Chopra movies... I will cook different dishes for my dear husband, clean the house, play a perfect host for his parties, kiss him good bye in the morning and wait for him in the evening with hot pakors and tea...Enjoy kiti parties and "Saans-bahu" serials...Do "silai-kadhai-bunai" at home..Be the perfect mother to my children. And live happily ever after .... he he he... It was one of my fantasies ... I know I can never be sooo good.. but whats bad in fantasizing .. ;-)

Have a house on sea shore or at least by riverside or lakeside. I want to get up everyday with cool breeze on my face... run on the deserted beaches barefoot and spend my nights on the sand, listening to the waves and watching the starry skies.... him being on my side ... for all my life

Become a level headed person.. a rational thinker... who can be indifferent to all the worries of this stupid world...all those politics.. love...hate..anger. I loose my mental balnce verry easily and go nuts. I don't like that ... :-)

Go on cruise with my beloved

Become a carpenter or mechanic. Yeah.. it is much better than this software engineer's job. You can handle things with you hands...no stupid virtuality. I like joining bits and pieces together and make useful things from them. I used to fix things at home.. I still do. My sister still calls me carpenter...

Do MA in history. Do research on Indian History. I loved studying history since childhood. Something unusual for a person who is also good at mathematics and sciences. I actually got equal marks in Maths, Science and Social sciences in my SSC exams..(equal means 145+ out of 150 in all the three subjects....:-) ).. But me poor victim of the "engineering and medical are the only streams worth studying" mentality... :-)

Find love of my life. Someone for whom I can forget everything even myself. I don't know if he exists ...

Hmmm... so many of them. I can't remember all of them at once...will be adding more as and when I remember them ... :-)

Nostalgia ...

I have been part of the "timepass" group in my college. We used to play lot of pranks ... some of them I still remember. Those were the golden days...
Felt like noting them down ...

The "Gajar Halwa" Scam.

One day my friend was taking some printouts in the computer lab and making chits of the pages. They were very sphosticated looking tickets for something. I asked whats going on. He says, we are taking up one activity in the Gathering and selling tickets for that...they selling tickets for "Gajar Halwa". We thought hey thats great.. Gajar Halwa in just Rs. 5. Since he was supposed to be "the good guy" our batch, everybody was enthusuastic about buying that ticket. All the gals, junis and even our "beautiful" AI teacher bought those tickets. They used the best salesman technics to convince everybody about how useful it is to buy that ticket. You will get Gajar Halwa in just 5 Rs. !!

On the ticket they had printed time and venue to collect their Halwa. And when they went their, it was literaaly a Gajar hanging in a room with a borad "Gajar Halwa" (shake the Gajar or carrot).

Oh man !!! They had fooled a whole bunch of people....!!!
The real scam and they earned some 500 bucks (which they returned afterwards)

All of them were underraound that day ... :) .. :)

They got a good beating from everybody on farewell. They are still known as the scam people.


=========

Sontak

We had a compition in our college to name new college bus. Earlier buses had names Chetak, Pushpak, Ashwak ...

One suggestion was... Sontak

Because ... our princi's name was Sontakke ... :-D :-D

=========

Searching for Soulmate ..

They say human is a social animal. And they are always made in pairs. There is always someone somewhere waiting for you...

Us rab ne jab dil diye ...
dil ke do tukade kiye
Dono pe ek naam likha
Ek raadha ek shaam likha
Ab wo dil dhadakate hai
milate hai, bichadate hai

Some say its crazy.. but I do believe in it.

So I had...I still have... this crazy belief that there is someone out there for me who understands what I feel, who can make out what I want to say even if I say nothing at all, who will always be there with me no matter what happens. When I go out and fight with the world, I will always come back to his soothing arms. I can forget all my worries when I rest my head on his shoulders... I will forget myself in his arms...And I will be the same for him. I long for those feeling of togetherness, feelings of comfort, feel of belonging... feeling being there

I have been searching for another half of my heart... my better half.
...And the search seems to be endless...and real tough too...

These feelings are all beyond those practical world things ... The idea of "perfect husband" everybody has...my husband should earn blah amount of money...blah amount of property, he should look like this and talk like that, he should have these interests, he should be of particular cast or religion...

... All these are immaterial for me.

Love is not about how similar interests you have... its more about how you grow with each other in a relationship....its more about how you much you fit together. We are like pieces of a jig-saw puzzle which fit in one and only one position. You cannot forcefully mend and put them anywhere... the puzzle does not complete like that...the picture becomes ugly...

You cannot put any measurements to your relationship ... that we should be this close in these many days or we must have this much amount of talk in this... only then I will say that our relationship is going fine. That's rubbish...

Trust and understanding are very much important for me and so is patience and open communication. We should be able to talk to each other about every damn thing in the world and not be ashamed of what we are...Should be able to see each other as we are...should be able to look strainght in each others eyes. As one my friend says "relationships are simple and at the same time a lot too complex. For maintaining that you need efforts from both side. Its like wheels of a car, both have to run in tandem and compliment each other. The minute one goes astray, one cant drive too far. Again when a turn comes, one has to run faster and the other a bit slow, to maintain the balance. Thats where most of the relationships fails for the right element for creating balance is missing". I agree completely with it. A relationship is good when enjoyed from both sides. When you enter a stage when you need to "keep" a relationship for the sake of it... everything falls apart.

We read in books that there is always only one person for whom we feel the love. As they in Hindi movies "Ladaki apani jindagi me sirf ek hi baar pyaar karati hai...". But I have been attracted to more than one one guys till now. Every time I find some or the other thing impressive.. attractive about the person to fall for... I wonder "is he one?" Well...it was never a head-over-heels thing. But thats not what the books say ... So I used to feel its just stupidity. I am not allowed to get attracted to some guy unless I am going to get married to the person. Life has to be zero or one. But most of those attractions were temporary. I don't feel bad for not having any of them. I don't see any of their faces when I sleep at night or when I close my eyes and think of my soulmate.
My heart doesn't skip a bit beat when I see them... So all gone for good.

... But still the life goes on. The end is yet to come.

I don't know how to search for my man....my soulmate. I don't know how I am going to recognize him when he is right in front of me. They say you will get the signal. But how do you recognize it? Will I recognize him in the very first glance or will it take time. Is "love at first site" fact or myth?

"Kabhi kabhi ek mulakaat bhi kaafi hoti hai apane pyaar ko pehchanne me ...

aur kabhi kabhi sadiya lag jaati hai"

Is he somewhere around me right now.. at this very moment and I just fail to recognize me? Is he also searching for me ?

I know that I need to go out meet more people. I do not socialize much except with my friends, I have taken a loong time to build these friendships and they mean a lot to me. I do go and talk to people. But I am not that easy going with the crowd....I am rather very choosy. Its kind of mental block on my side. That makes me remain aloof from the crowd...makes me moody and makes other people that I am crazy. There are very few people with whom I have hit-of easily right from the very first day. It has to have a chemistry to go everything well. Once I am in the comfort zone.. I am the best. But these things do take time to build up. I have been trying and trying real hard to break that barrier.

I don't like the idea of evaluating each of every person as possible prospect. Love will happen when it has to happen. If you force it, it is bound to end one day. You cannot talk yourself into and out of love for long. You cannot cheat yourself over some false ideas and expectations...

You can never fool yourself...!!!

I need to learn to give up myself completely before I decide go finally go out with someone. There is still some part of me which is concerned about stupid things and makes me nervous... makes me freak out sometimes. Thats been kind of breaking factor of my realtionship. I don't know how to fight with it or live with it.

Will there be any person who can understand all these things and still love me? Love me the way I am and get the same from me? Or will I have to end my life searching... always having a feeling of loneliness within my heart.

VinDa gets Gnyanpeeth !!

Denaryane 

Struggling with myself ...

When I look back and try to summerize my journey till now, one thing strikes me is that I am still searching for something. Something that gives me great pleasure and I love doing it , having it or I don't know. I feel very restless most of the times.

And the restlessness is increasing everyday.

I will be turnig 25 soon, an age when conventionally I should get married and think of settling down in life.
But .... I don't feel like I have reached at a stage where I know where to go. I have always felt jealous about those people who know what they want to do in life right from the day they are born. "I want to be a doctor and serve poor people" "I want to make loot of money" "I want to go the the US of A" ... I wonder how can they speak commandingly about their life.

Can I say like that ?
I don't know... Thats the only answer I can give... to many questions in life... questions they consider very important...

Somebody asked me "What are your dreams ?" ... On an impulse I said I want to lead a stable life, I want to be someone who can help myself and help others. I want a good career and good family... All those stereotype things... Just words... I don't know what I mean by them. I don't know how I am going to achieve them. I don't know if I really want to that.

I feel like a boat drifting helplessly in the big blue ocean. The captain has lost the rout map ... or she never had the map at all. Whenever she sees a piece of land or some distant light house in the storm, she thinks thats her destination. She runs to cling it with all her heart. But sometimes the land does not accept her or she does not like the destination ... orr its just her restlessness that makes her go on with her journey.
But still she hasn't learnt the relentlessness of sailor not to mistake a hop for destination and keep on sailing. Mebbe she is tired of sailig, mebbe she is tired of sailing without any direction or she needs someone to be with her and help her finding the way or just be with her in this directionless...endless journey ....

I just don't know ...!!

Being a girl

I have had great childhood. I consider myself lucky for having the kind of parents I have.

I have been brought up in a place which is almost a village. People behave like they are still living in 17th century. They would make stories if they see a girl standing next to a boy ... forget talking... just standing next to each other. They will stare you from top to bottom as if you have come form some different world if you are wearing jeans. When I used to take my driving lessons and go to our village (which is hardly 10 kms from the place where I was living) people would run behind the car to see a girl driving a car as if it some 8th wonder of the world.

All of my schoolmates(gals) were tought from the childhood that they are born just for one purpose.. to get married. Once they manage to get a good boy purpose of their life is solved. What bullshit ? When I was thinking about a good story I have just read or some news they would be busy gossiping about how some guy is They will have to ask their parents 100 times to go for a movie. They will have rules at home like donot go out of house after 7:30, you are not allowed to dance on the stage (Humare ghar ki izzat stage pe kaise naach sakati)

I remember two events very distinctively.
I had just completed my engineering and sitting jobless at home for a while. Then I decided to join a start up. One of my classmates(gal) was also supposed to join with me. So I call her up and her father speaks me "Why do you want to go so away from home just to do a simple job? Why do you need to take up a job in the first place? Isn't it enough that we have given you the opportunity to study instead of getting you married earlier? You have already stayed out of home for 4 years. You have to get married anyway and act as your husband says. You can work of he is okay with that. Till then why don't you sit at home and spend some time with your family"

Thes there was another man, doctor, supposed to be one the "most modern" people in out locality. It was when I was leaving my home to take up my current job at place very far away from my home. He was like .. "Why do need to make a career at first place. See a girl is always tied to a chain. Its another end is with her father before getting married and with her husband after she gettes married. She has to move as and when the chain directs her to. She is never supposed be free. Why do you want go so far when the chain is going to pull you back anyway? "

Huuuh ...!!! see where our country is going ?

Hmmm ...

Current mood: Good

One full week (or month) of sulking is finally over ... I am back to normal.
Every time I come out of such phase, I realize only one thing....It didn't deserve the amount of energy I have put in sulking for it .. :-)

I have always learnt my lessons the hard way

But yeah...I still try hard not to let things go the wrong way and spend some time in sulking. Its good for your health to sulk once in while you see... :D

And yeah... don't go by the senti poems I have posted. This weekend I happened to see a movie called "In Her Shoes". Ok types movie... but they read two great peoms.. "One Art" and "I carry your heart with me". So I just wanted to post them here. Alsooo I thought "One Art" suited my mental state that day very much... :"> (I wish they would put something to add smilies. Howwww can I express my self without them....? [Read it as I am very much addicted to YM .. :) ] )

Anyways... so I search for these two poems on the net and ... I get two more nice poems.
Ahem ...I guess I have something for senti-aps... senti poems, senti lyrics, senti books... senti me ... too much ... isn't it ? :-)

Death of a Friendship

I mourn, now that your house contains
such fractured shadows.
This wine you’ve handed me
tastes sour. I joke and you do not laugh.
When you speak, assuming my approval,
I stare into discoloured
depths of my glass, longing
to get away.

Rain drives against your walls. The few
shrubs you have planted shrink in the cold.
Where there was amity, questions
echo between us. Tufts of dark
lilac branching from tall vases shed
minute dry flowers like grief
for a lost fragrance, leave
on the smooth piano scattered omens
neither of us can read.

The past is empty of romance,
its summers flecked with heartbreak
and its negatives destroyed-.
But weren’t there moments when
the blue sea glittered, when the lithe
curve of a diver forged another
link between wave and cloud?
I wonder, though, in fear
were those young grinning faces always
plague-marred, was the fun a lie,
were dreams we’ve jettisoned
mere husks about this dirt,
dislike? One fiction may
have replaced another for
wherever I look with you I find,
instead of light, a slyness.

We could not name the truth. What used to brag
lies in your cupboard under lock and key.
You care no more
for angels or the underdog,
translating all the terms we used
into intolerance. Your world
now clusters round
the emulation of the rich.

I can’t feel glad about old times
because I am afraid
that what I see here I suspected then
but shunned the knowing.
The tarnish of this has rubbed off on me.
The years we shared look counterfeit. If so,
more than affection died today.
What hurts perhaps the most
is that in you as in a mirror shows
not only what I could have been
but what I was or am.

-- Harry Guest

Sometimes it Happens ...

And sometimes it happens that you are friends and then
You are not friends,
And friendship has passed.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself.

And sometimes it happens that you are loved and then
You are not loved,
And love is past.
And whole days are lost and among them
A fountain empties itself into the grass.

And sometimes you want to speak to her and then
You do not want to speak,
Then the opportunity has passed.
Your dreams flare up, they suddenly vanish.

And also it happens that there is nowhere to go and then
There is somewhere to go,
Then you have bypassed.
And the years flare up and are gone,
Quicker than a minute.

So you have nothing.
You wonder if these things matter and then
As soon you begin to wonder if these things matter
They cease to matter,
And caring is past.
And a fountain empties itself into the grass.

-- Brian Patten

I carry your heart with me ...

I carry your heart with me
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
Anywhere i go you go,my dear;
And whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling

I fear no fate for you are my fate,my sweet
I want no world for beautiful you are my world,my true
And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
Which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

A carry your heart, I carry it in my heart

- E.E. Cummings

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-- Elizabeth Bishop

A beautiful thought that followed this (I am copying it from somwhere :-) )
"...I think the poem is saying: those who love always experience loss, but
this is no reason not to love - rather, to accept that in life you have to
deal with loss - and to accept this, means you can survive, and even start
living after your loss (and what better way to start the uphill struggle
than to build on the small, but well rehearsed experience of loss gained
in our daily lives)..."

A day in life of Software Engineer

What does a software engineer do when he looses his mental balance ... :-D


Myfriend ( 3:58:46 PM): u there
Me (4:03:06 PM): bol
Myfriend (4:03:26 PM): nthg
Myfriend (4:03:51 PM): u seem to b 2 busy
Me (4:03:58 PM): yup
Myfriend (4:04:40 PM): but one shud not forget his friends when somebody is budy
Myfriend (4:04:40 PM): sorry busy
Myfriend (4:04:54 PM): its okie
Me ( 4:04:57 PM): have u forgotten anybody ?
Myfriend (4:04:59 PM): today ur busy
Myfriend (4:05:07 PM): 2morrrow i'll be busy
Myfriend (4:05:24 PM): n dayafter 2morrow S can b busy
Me (4:05:32 PM): so ?
Myfriend (4:05:52 PM): n then somebosy else can be busy
Myfriend (4:06:06 PM): n this busyness we'll go on and on
Me (4:06:27 PM): funde mat mar jyada ....
Myfriend (4:06:41 PM): but don't let this busyness shud come in between two ppl
Myfriend (4:06:55 PM): this busyness is nthg but only an evil
Me (4:07:00 PM): chup kar
Myfriend (4:07:08 PM): which has come to separate two individuals
Me ( 4:07:14 PM): kaam nahi hai kya tuze koi ?
Myfriend ( 4:07:19 PM): its a virus
Myfriend ( 4:07:29 PM): Really ashli its a virus
Me ( 4:07:34 PM): boore mat kar yaar
Myfriend (4:07:38 PM): today I'm telling u
Myfriend ( 4:07:47 PM): but tomorrow nobody will tell u
Myfriend ( 4:08:04 PM): N u'll be entrapped in this virus
Myfriend ( 4:08:19 PM): The "BUSY VIRUS"
Myfriend ( 4:08:38 PM): n u'll remain busy forever
Myfriend ( 4:08:48 PM): n u'll forget e'one whose around u
Myfriend ( 4:08:58 PM): n u'll be busy
Myfriend ( 4:09:05 PM): busy busy busy
Myfriend ( 4:09:27 PM): this virus has many forms
Myfriend ( 4:09:30 PM): like
Myfriend ( 4:09:37 PM): busy eating
Myfriend ( 4:09:40 PM): busy sleeping
Myfriend ( 4:09:45 PM): busy working
Myfriend ( 4:09:49 PM): busy flirting
Myfriend ( 4:09:57 PM): n u'll always be busy
Me ( 4:10:02 PM): :-)
Myfriend ( 4:10:21 PM): Oracle thinks I'm the one who can save u from this busy virus
Myfriend ( 4:11:20 PM): Ashli come out of this Busy Virus
Myfriend ( 4:11:29 PM): Uninstalll it from ur life
Myfriend ( 4:11:36 PM): urs Neo
Me ( 4:23:43 PM):
Myfriend ( 5:20:27 PM): u there
Me ( 5:20:32 PM): bl
Myfriend ( 5:20:49 PM): bl?
Myfriend ( 5:21:18 PM): speak to me in Hindi aur Eng ?
Myfriend ( 5:21:34 PM): Hope ur tongue is not busy
Myfriend ( 5:22:37 PM): SO ur busy
Myfriend ( 5:23:02 PM): ur Ignoring somebody who had been with u from last 6 years
Myfriend ( 5:23:19 PM): yes u will ignore him n u shud also becoz ur "BUSY"
Myfriend ( 5:23:40 PM): ur not lliving ur life but ur living for "BUSY VIRUS"
Myfriend ( 5:24:56 PM): It cud also be possible that u migt not be reading all this becoz ur eyes r busy
Myfriend ( 5:25:51 PM): but I with the human soul n not effected by the "Virus" pray to God give that person back with whom I spent 6 years
Myfriend ( 5:26:39 PM): I'm serching somebosy who is bugged by "BUSY VIRUS"
Myfriend ( 5:27:29 PM): I still wonder how that Busy world looks like
Myfriend ( 5:27:58 PM): Nobody talking to each other ..no interaction but just busy
Myfriend ( 5:28:43 PM): Hey u there
Myfriend ( 5:28:50 PM): u there.....
Myfriend ( 5:28:57 PM): plzz reply
Myfriend ( 5:31:52 PM): my Ashli..give our ashli back u virus
Me ( 5:33:02 PM): i think u have been hit by "time pass virus" than me being affected by "busy virus"
Me ( 5:33:30 PM): yaar mai apane desk pe nahi thi
Myfriend ( 5:34:30 PM): yeh I conquered that "busy Virus"
Myfriend ( 5:34:36 PM): Our Ashli is Freed
Myfriend ( 5:34:42 PM): Haleluya
Myfriend ( 5:35:09 PM): r u free ?
Me ( 5:35:39 PM): bol
Myfriend ( 5:35:59 PM): so now ur bugged by "Free virus"
Myfriend ( 5:36:17 PM): This virus let ur life totaaly waste
Myfriend ( 5:36:31 PM): god has sent u to do sthg
Myfriend ( 5:36:50 PM): but this "Free virus" will not let u do the same
Myfriend ( 5:37:10 PM): U have a brain but it will not break
Myfriend ( 5:37:22 PM): its like u have a Merc but u' won't use it
Myfriend ( 5:37:51 PM): u'll end up wasting ur life
Myfriend ( 5:38:10 PM): Ashli I'm telling u...run away from this Virus
Myfriend ( 5:38:47 PM): If u want to save ur life n fulfill the dreams which u c in ur eyes there is only one sol
Myfriend ( 5:39:00 PM): I'm telling u only one sol
Myfriend ( 5:39:08 PM): n that is
Myfriend ( 5:39:12 PM): n that is
Me ( 5:39:23 PM): what ?
Myfriend ( 5:39:47 PM): Take Bus n immediately come to "218 1st Main 5th cross 1st floor " house
Me ( 5:39:59 PM):
Myfriend ( 5:40:12 PM): there u'll fine the Gr8 gods messenger "NEo"
Myfriend ( 5:40:27 PM): he can only save u from this Virus
Myfriend ( 5:40:32 PM): he's a gods child
Myfriend ( 5:40:57 PM): don't think ashli ..just get up n go to Neo
Myfriend ( 5:41:21 PM): get up ashli
Myfriend ( 5:41:24 PM): getup
Myfriend ( 5:41:28 PM): I can c ur still sitting
Myfriend ( 5:41:49 PM): becoz ur brain is bugged by Free Virus
Myfriend ( 5:41:55 PM): ur gone
Myfriend ( 5:42:28 PM): u'll be free ...free forever
Me ( 5:42:38 PM):
Me ( 5:43:04 PM): release ab tak aayaa nahi kya ?
Myfriend ( 5:43:28 PM): nahi
Me ( 5:43:36 PM): tabhi mai sochu