Marriage : random thoughts

It was Sunday afternoon. After shopping in the scorching sun for hours together in the busiest and most crowded markets in the city me and sis sat down for a quick grab. This was just another road side joint where you need to grab plates and chairs by yourself. A family followed us in. The tired wife was taking all the pains to feed the family while the husband sat lazily bearing 'I am the king look'.
If you are expecting I will start blasting the so-called male domination in the society and lecture on plight of women, you might just be wrong. I mean I would be writing all that if it were few months ago. Perspectives change after marriage, you see! And as the the hubby says, 'we should think about a situation from various dimensions'.
If you consider this particular situation, it is possible that the wife herself had offered to do the work the husband is really tired or the wife is too dominating to let anyone handle any work or the husband is too dominating to do any work by himself etc etc... Lets just talk about what I thought I saw and what I felt about it.

First thought that came to my mind was what would I be thinking if I were in the wife's shoes. From the way she was carrying out things I felt she might not have realized that there something not right about the whole situation as she thinks it is her 'duty'. That's what her mother (the whole society) has taught her right from her birth. "A woman should always take a second place in her life be it as a mother, sister or a wife. That's the society tradition."

I guess I wouldn't have felt so. I hate such imposed traditions which have no logical inference in today's modern world. People (men, society whomsoever you may want to address) have moulded the (so called) traditions as per their convenience and comfort.

Though I claim to be 'open mined person' now, as a child I didn't even know what my mom's likes and dislikes were. She never imposed them on us and we seldom tried to understand what she really wanted. Even she might not have thought about it herself. It was so natural to her to cook our favourite dishes, shop for us, get our homework done... zillions of things... And we never realized till we grew up that it was not right.

It all comes back to me now when I am trying adjust myself in the new family. A newly married girl is expected to leave her past behind and start new life from scratch and adopt to new rules from the day one. How is that possible? Here it is not the question of having a good or bad family ethics. Its just different...!!!

Have you attended any soft skill training on behavioural patterns? The science says, it is basic human nature to react to any change with a shock or denial. A girl like me who is used to finding her way in most of things, finds it difficult to adjust to suddenly being dictated to do things, observed and judged about every thing she does. Coming from a family where you are pampered and given highest priority, it's hurting to realize that you will be the last person to be considered after marriage... you no longer are part of the family you love and adore so much.

There are times when life feels totally frustrating and beyond logical thinking and then there are times when I feel totally blessed.
As I adjust with the changes and learn my way to enjoy them, I wonder at times what does marriage actually means to me... ?

Happy Women’s Day !!!

Today’s the woman’s day and there is lot of halla-gulla celebrations going on all around the world, sellers marketing their product, government people making sugar-coated speeches and boys/men whining over ‘why is there only women’s day and why not men’s day?’. Some guy replied, it is men’s day everyday so let women have at least one day of their own!

Haah… that's very true isn’t it? Let me clarify first. I am not the ‘mahila-mukti’ types to start arguing with men and opposing them on each and every issue, I don’t even claim all the women are superior. But I do believe that women should get respect as a human being which is still lacking in most walks of our society and even all over the world. The need to celebrate a special day for them speaks of that isn’t it?
We still have abundant cases of rapes, brutal domestic violence, killing for dowries, eve-teasing, killing of female fetuses and newborns. A lot still has to be done to make the woman to be able to hold her head high and make a place for themselves in the world. Why is that, only girls have restrictions about timing and places to go? And why is a girl being blamed always if anything bad happens to her and not the man who actually does it?
I came across this blog cum project called Blank Noise. Here they encourage women to speak up about the harassments they face every day of life. There are many men who are part of this project and being a great help. Do read the part where women have wished what they would like to do. Most of the women have expressed very simple desires like being able to walk on the street with out any fear or just stand on the pavement without being conscious of thousand stares piercing at them. It might be shocking to read but it is true… very very small things that ‘only’ girls have to care about.
I too have a wish… I want to walk in the rain without caring for how my clothes will look like and without being conscious if any guy is staring at me

Today evening they are arranging a walk in major areas of Bangalore to encourage women to walk on the roads with out any fear and just be themselves. There will be men to show their support too. Be part of it if you can!

Here is wishing all the beautiful girls and women of the world a very Happy Women’s Day! And wishing for a future where we will not be need to celebrate separate women’s day and everyday will be celebration of the women kind… !!!

Amen!!!

“Baaah Baaah Baaah…” someone I used to consider the most sensible person gave (or I should say tried to give) me advice of lifetime. I didn’t know what to say … should I laugh or cry. Words have meaning my dear, and they do hurt other people. I couldn’t help but wonder… Do we really have the right to judge other people? And then try to judge other “other” people based on these other people and the go ahead and give them the free advice? And if we get advice, should we really consider it? If somebody is giving you some advice does it mean that it has to be right? Ok, so you used to consider that person for a long long time, so does that mean the person has to be right this time too. People change and so do their views and our opinions about them!

Someone gave me a beautiful example about change of opinions,
You are madly in love with a guy and you see him raping a girl… will your emotions be same ?

Haaah… Its amazing life… You never know what will happen next :-).

This is to all those people who have faith in life and faith in yourself…

If you have dream, live it
If you have intuition, follow it
Be true to yourself
And everything else will fall in right place!!!

And let there be world peace!!!

Arranged Marriage - Part 2

I know I have been talking/whining lots about marriage and related issues. But how can I write about anything else if this is the hottest topic in my life (at least I think so) at this point of time :-)…Just kidding :-). But after all this is (supposed to be) question of my life and I am bound to ponder on it frequently.

One of the freakiest things I found in the process of arranged marriage is “meet the guy”. Oh well let me clarify first, I am not against arranged marriages. I have observed love and arranged marriages very closely and one thing I am pretty sure of… it does not matter how you get together, what matters is how you go forward from there. I am obviously not falling for the arguments from ladies about “See our marriage has also worked noo !!! I saw him only after getting married. What is so much fuss about ‘right’ guy?” Dear lady, you might be right in you context but for not for someone like me. I am the introvert and tight-lipped one. Don’t get surprised…!! I might be blabbering too much on the blog and to few of my closest friends :-). But when it comes to talking to people, all my communication skills seem to evaporate in thin air. It is very rare of me to get along with someone right from the day one. And I have problem with 90% of people in the world :D. My friend circle is limited one… I mean there are lots of acquaintances but friends are few. And I am very fussy about my friendships :-).

Our ‘society’ still does not approve the idea of pre-nuptial meetings etc. They expect a girl to meet guy plus 20 of his relatives and not complain. I am in fact scared by this thought... What if I meet a guy and find him ok and they ask me to marry him the next day (Something like that had happened once :-)). I mean, I cannot just say yes or no in one go!! I am the adjusting, understanding (and oh yes I can cook very well :-))et all but what about the other person.
A friend had suggested me to consider it as a blind date… accha laga to good nahi to chhod do :-). Common you don’t date someone with marriage on mind and I don’t ‘date’ at all for that matter.
Ahh… is there a better solution to all this or I am thinking too much?

How much to change?

I have been talking to lot of friends about relationships. Some of them have more that one failed relationships and other ones are happy with the first person they met. I always wonder what makes a person to be or not to be in a relationship. One friend was particularly complaining about, how we get blind and change for the other person or how the other person makes us change and make us do things we don’t generally like to or how we are compelled to behave so that the other person is happy with us.

Well yes, that is very much true. We do change a lot for the sake of other person, willingly or unwillingly. But can we completely blame other person for that? I don’t think so. It is two sided affair, if someone expects us to change, don’t we expect other person to change. Are we kids to let other person take control of our life? And it is not changing completely, can’t view it as adjusting with the person because we absolutely like him/her. Just like the weather change, I like my sleeveless dress but I can’t wear it in the winters. If I want to go out in cold weather I must wear a sweater and I don’t complaint about it because I equally love the cool weather. So it is matter of choice and mending with the situation.

Oh yeah I am not talking about letting go of your identity. I don’t pack up my dress for life. If someone forces you to change, against your will and your sub-conscious tells you it is not right, you MUST stop before going any further in that relationship. And it is not just about a girl-boy relationship. If we look at any relation in general, be it parent-child, siblings or even friends, same rule applies. My mother doesn’t like me wearing western cloths when I go to my native town but she wouldn’t protest if I trim my long hair to shoulder length (which I know she absolutely dislikes). So it is absolutely mutual. I believe being understanding and accepting and not adamant is beauty of any relationship :-). I mean life is never absolutely black and white, isn’t it?

Have you seen “Runaway Bride”? It is the best depiction of what happens when someone tries to change himself/herself change against one’s wish. The bride runs away right away at the altar because she realizes she has been fooling with herself.
Does she find her perfect man? This proposal explains it all …
"I guarantee that we'll have tough times. I guarantee that at some point one or both of us will want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
Because I know in my heart -- you're the only one for me"

Quotes

Ayn Rand is one of my most favorite authors. I worship “The Fountainhead” and now “Atlas Shrugged” added to my list of favorite books. Before reading these books I was advised against reading them because they are meant for “psycho” people. No wonder many of so called book lover friends haven’t even heard of her. And I am glad that I didn’t go by the advise :-). I identify myself very much with her view of world (May be I am also one of those “psyco”s :-) ). I wish to write my views on both the books and so about many other books I love to read (depending on how many laziness permits me to do so :-D).
I just finished first iteration of reading “Atlas Shrugged” (marathon reading I should say :-) ). There is one quote in the book that goes with title of my blog and I can’t resist publishing here

“Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.”

And some other quotes from her books

Pride is the recognition of the fact that you are your own highest value and, like all of man’s values, it has to be earned.
Atlas Shrugged

The worst guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.
Atlas Shrugged

Throughout the centuries there were men who took first steps, down new roads, armed with nothing but their own vision.
Atlas Shrugged

Independence is the recognition of the fact that yours is the responsibility of judgment and nothing can help you escape it.
Atlas Shrugged

Love is our response to our highest values. Love is self-enjoyment. The noblest love is born out of admiration of another’s values.
Atlas Shrugged

To say "I love you" one must first be able to say the "I."
The Fountainhead

Happiness is possible only to a rational man, the man who desires nothing but rational goals, seeks nothing but rational values and finds his joy in nothing buy rational actions.
Atlas Shrugged

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplacable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours.
Atlas Shrugged

The secrets of this earth are not for all men to see, but only for those who seek them.
Anthem

Thinking men cannot be ruled.


Most important, theme of “Atlas Shrugged”

I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.

And theme of “The Fountainhead”

Men have been taught that it is a virtue to agree with others. But the creator is the man who disagrees. Men have been taught that it is a virtue to swim with the current. But the creator is the man who goes against the current. Men have been taught that it is a virtue to stand together. But the creator is the man who stands alone.

Taurus woman (and girl too :D)

This what you post when you don't have anything to say but still want to post somehting :-)
Characteristics of a Taurus women ... :D

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A slim moderately tall woman. Taurus woman is funny and a jolly person. Square facial bone structure, high cheek bone. Her round big eyes sparkle with wit and curiosity. You will not see many round faces Taurus women, and mainly she will have a strong jaw line. She is a constantly change person. If she up sets, she will not show it and will keep it to herself for a long time, and will remember them so well. If she gets really mad at you, you will suddenly become a totally and completely stranger to her.

She is a patient person, but always needs new excitement. She hates long talk meeting, long and endless conversation. She can be in love with you today, and one day she could act as if she has never loved you before. She has patience with what she wants to do and will never give up until she gets there. She will be very persistent in what she is doing till she has reasons for stopping her project, then she will quit.

Money for Taurus woman is not the most important factor in life. She thinks of money as an instrument for assuring of a good living. She has more satisfaction in achieving her goals more than satisfaction in fine cloths and luxuries. If you like a woman who always thinks of love and romance ,then you are dating the wrong girl. You can not tell her to stay at home, she likes to work and preferred not work at home. She loves animals and likes to surround by animals.

Love is in her head, but Freedom is in her soul. She has her own idea about love and afraid to show her true feeling for fear of rejection. She is not the type to talk about love, but she sure has a strange way to show it. She is not good in showing when she is in love, but if she loves you she will be honest to you than any other women. She will be honest to her love one, but at the same time seems distant. You will have a good relationship with her, if you allow her freedom.

Do not force her to be with you in a poker game which she hates, but let she goes out swinging with her friends if she wants to. She will be different than other girls, and she thinks different is one of her unique quality. She is a public figure but belongs to no one. She will not stay with you, if she thinks you are not sincere. She likes you to have personality, but better not to compete with her. Love her, but not too much for she afraid it will limiting her freedom.

She always stands out of the crowd for something she dares to do. You could see her dress like a poor farmer dinning in the fancy restaurant, or dress like a nun in an a cocktail dress party. If you are a politician who are looking for a wife, she will make a good one because she is cleverly smart and she could get along socially with any type of crowds.

She is not a jealous type because she has to know you thoroughly before accepting you in her life. She has more curiosity in life than wondering if right now you are flirting with someone else. If you keep a distant from her, or go away for a few days, she will miss you more. Even when she is dating you, she also able to fond of someone else, if you do not have something she is looking for. She will never disappoint you or hide behind your back to make you loose face, but she is the type who just going to tell you to your face that " We're better off breaking up". She always remember her first love. Taurus woman holds the best record for divorce for she does not care about how people think of her, but every things should be done for "Happiness".

She has lots of friends and sure of herself, so you will hardly see she delays any of her thoughts before her action. If she think of something, she will go ahead and does it. She has many men wanting her for her constant changes is the challenge. She can be cute and funny, but suddenly cool and tough. She has her own style of dressing up, so you could see her dress like an old mate today, and tomorrow she may dress like she comes from Mars. She will have that interesting hair, dress and a look unique from anyone else.

She likes to learn about your dreams and your thought. She has fun teasing you and making jokes. If she did something wrong, she won't hide it from you, but do not ask when she is not in the mood to talk about it. She hates to owe people money and take promise seriously. If you promise to pay her back, you'd better paid up.

If you want to make it with Taurus woman, then do not be jealous or possessive, do not be narrow minded, do not criticize about nonsense or small and insignificant matters. Try to likes her friends and let she has her privacy, then she can be very sweet to you.