Searching for Soulmate ..

They say human is a social animal. And they are always made in pairs. There is always someone somewhere waiting for you...

Us rab ne jab dil diye ...
dil ke do tukade kiye
Dono pe ek naam likha
Ek raadha ek shaam likha
Ab wo dil dhadakate hai
milate hai, bichadate hai

Some say its crazy.. but I do believe in it.

So I had...I still have... this crazy belief that there is someone out there for me who understands what I feel, who can make out what I want to say even if I say nothing at all, who will always be there with me no matter what happens. When I go out and fight with the world, I will always come back to his soothing arms. I can forget all my worries when I rest my head on his shoulders... I will forget myself in his arms...And I will be the same for him. I long for those feeling of togetherness, feelings of comfort, feel of belonging... feeling being there

I have been searching for another half of my heart... my better half.
...And the search seems to be endless...and real tough too...

These feelings are all beyond those practical world things ... The idea of "perfect husband" everybody has...my husband should earn blah amount of money...blah amount of property, he should look like this and talk like that, he should have these interests, he should be of particular cast or religion...

... All these are immaterial for me.

Love is not about how similar interests you have... its more about how you grow with each other in a relationship....its more about how you much you fit together. We are like pieces of a jig-saw puzzle which fit in one and only one position. You cannot forcefully mend and put them anywhere... the puzzle does not complete like that...the picture becomes ugly...

You cannot put any measurements to your relationship ... that we should be this close in these many days or we must have this much amount of talk in this... only then I will say that our relationship is going fine. That's rubbish...

Trust and understanding are very much important for me and so is patience and open communication. We should be able to talk to each other about every damn thing in the world and not be ashamed of what we are...Should be able to see each other as we are...should be able to look strainght in each others eyes. As one my friend says "relationships are simple and at the same time a lot too complex. For maintaining that you need efforts from both side. Its like wheels of a car, both have to run in tandem and compliment each other. The minute one goes astray, one cant drive too far. Again when a turn comes, one has to run faster and the other a bit slow, to maintain the balance. Thats where most of the relationships fails for the right element for creating balance is missing". I agree completely with it. A relationship is good when enjoyed from both sides. When you enter a stage when you need to "keep" a relationship for the sake of it... everything falls apart.

We read in books that there is always only one person for whom we feel the love. As they in Hindi movies "Ladaki apani jindagi me sirf ek hi baar pyaar karati hai...". But I have been attracted to more than one one guys till now. Every time I find some or the other thing impressive.. attractive about the person to fall for... I wonder "is he one?" Well...it was never a head-over-heels thing. But thats not what the books say ... So I used to feel its just stupidity. I am not allowed to get attracted to some guy unless I am going to get married to the person. Life has to be zero or one. But most of those attractions were temporary. I don't feel bad for not having any of them. I don't see any of their faces when I sleep at night or when I close my eyes and think of my soulmate.
My heart doesn't skip a bit beat when I see them... So all gone for good.

... But still the life goes on. The end is yet to come.

I don't know how to search for my man....my soulmate. I don't know how I am going to recognize him when he is right in front of me. They say you will get the signal. But how do you recognize it? Will I recognize him in the very first glance or will it take time. Is "love at first site" fact or myth?

"Kabhi kabhi ek mulakaat bhi kaafi hoti hai apane pyaar ko pehchanne me ...

aur kabhi kabhi sadiya lag jaati hai"

Is he somewhere around me right now.. at this very moment and I just fail to recognize me? Is he also searching for me ?

I know that I need to go out meet more people. I do not socialize much except with my friends, I have taken a loong time to build these friendships and they mean a lot to me. I do go and talk to people. But I am not that easy going with the crowd....I am rather very choosy. Its kind of mental block on my side. That makes me remain aloof from the crowd...makes me moody and makes other people that I am crazy. There are very few people with whom I have hit-of easily right from the very first day. It has to have a chemistry to go everything well. Once I am in the comfort zone.. I am the best. But these things do take time to build up. I have been trying and trying real hard to break that barrier.

I don't like the idea of evaluating each of every person as possible prospect. Love will happen when it has to happen. If you force it, it is bound to end one day. You cannot talk yourself into and out of love for long. You cannot cheat yourself over some false ideas and expectations...

You can never fool yourself...!!!

I need to learn to give up myself completely before I decide go finally go out with someone. There is still some part of me which is concerned about stupid things and makes me nervous... makes me freak out sometimes. Thats been kind of breaking factor of my realtionship. I don't know how to fight with it or live with it.

Will there be any person who can understand all these things and still love me? Love me the way I am and get the same from me? Or will I have to end my life searching... always having a feeling of loneliness within my heart.