Struggling with myself ...

When I look back and try to summerize my journey till now, one thing strikes me is that I am still searching for something. Something that gives me great pleasure and I love doing it , having it or I don't know. I feel very restless most of the times.

And the restlessness is increasing everyday.

I will be turnig 25 soon, an age when conventionally I should get married and think of settling down in life.
But .... I don't feel like I have reached at a stage where I know where to go. I have always felt jealous about those people who know what they want to do in life right from the day they are born. "I want to be a doctor and serve poor people" "I want to make loot of money" "I want to go the the US of A" ... I wonder how can they speak commandingly about their life.

Can I say like that ?
I don't know... Thats the only answer I can give... to many questions in life... questions they consider very important...

Somebody asked me "What are your dreams ?" ... On an impulse I said I want to lead a stable life, I want to be someone who can help myself and help others. I want a good career and good family... All those stereotype things... Just words... I don't know what I mean by them. I don't know how I am going to achieve them. I don't know if I really want to that.

I feel like a boat drifting helplessly in the big blue ocean. The captain has lost the rout map ... or she never had the map at all. Whenever she sees a piece of land or some distant light house in the storm, she thinks thats her destination. She runs to cling it with all her heart. But sometimes the land does not accept her or she does not like the destination ... orr its just her restlessness that makes her go on with her journey.
But still she hasn't learnt the relentlessness of sailor not to mistake a hop for destination and keep on sailing. Mebbe she is tired of sailig, mebbe she is tired of sailing without any direction or she needs someone to be with her and help her finding the way or just be with her in this directionless...endless journey ....

I just don't know ...!!